Disjointed and Raw.

I know I’ve failed you.

I know the words were there early on but I couldn’t pull deep down and bring them to the surface.  I was sinking – trying to tread water and each day brought it’s own new challenges.

Six months you’ve been a part of my world now – this world that I was so completely unprepared for.

I know I should have talked and dreamt and tried to bond more with you.  I know that I should have read to you, sang to you, shared and confided in you.  Instead I was too focused on the practical aspects of bringing you into our world.  I was too sick and too detached to think about creating, nurturing and fostering our relationship.

You were inside me, attached to me, connected to me.  In every fibre, every thread of the textile of who I am, you were there.

But I took it all for granted.

Almost every night I lay awake in bed when I should be sleeping.  I think back on our time together before you came into the physical world and truly created this little family of ours, and I am disappointed in myself.  I didn’t realize the gift that was given to us.  Even through the sickness I should have been able to recognize the beauty, the fortune, the hope and promise that was building more with each passing day.

We have had our struggles. I have shed many tears of doubt, of worry, of frustration and of guilt.  I was beyond afraid that this would be our legacy – that I would continue to walk around in a haze of uncertainty and regret and despair.  Before having you I read that Mothers can take weeks to grow to feel this – this weight in their chest and pain in their heart.  This all consuming, undeniable, terrifyingly forceful love.

It might have taken longer for us, but it is finally here.

I would accept the illness and the doubt and the worry to be here with you.  I would accept the physical pain, the struggles, the uncertainty and the fear all over again in an instant, if it means being in this place. To feel my heart bend and bleed with it’s overwhelming love for you. This moment in time is challenging in it’s newness, yes, but it is all I have ever wanted.  I just didn’t understand that until now.

I will move mountains for you, Harper.

Anything you will ever need you will find in me.  Always.




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